a reply.

hey

I gave thought to what you asked about what I want to become, how to live and how to be. I've yet to believe in a higher existence, I should say. The term represents some perfect projection of myself I've never really stored in mind. Actually I've never gotten out of the thought what's at present is most important, not before or after that. However, if this higher existence is to be, it should be an invincible one, one so powerful it does not stay just pondering over her nothingness but dynamites to create absolute greatness. I want a glorious visualization of 'an end in oneself', like Howard Roark.

Even though, I know best the ideal self logically couldn't be born out of fictional idealism. I am an imperfect creature; I've been feeling unhappy and angst and got depressed a lot. I'm most aware of how incompetent and insane I am. No matter what, before achieving transformation of any kind, it is of necessity to better this deformed self by having it remolded over and again until a sense of self-fulfilment is attained. In other words, I choose to gradually obtain the truths within rather than abruptly taking the leap.

Today I want to live a good person. Perhaps not the 'good'-ness our society usually defines, but rather in the way I myself consider worth living. I'll try to be good at it. Meanwhile, just set the whole notion aside; I don't have much time; too much homework is waiting; let me let myself flow through the tempestuous waters towards what future holds in hand.
:)